Halina Newberry Grant was pregnant with twins, but only her daughter survived to delivery
Mother, 42, shares how she put aside her grief over her baby boy who died in the womb - so she could properly care for his twin sister when she was born.
= Halina Newberry Grant, from Los Angeles, found out she was carrying twins after her first round of IVF
= At 20 weeks, she learned she was having a boy and a girl - but the boy had a developmental defect, and his heart soon stopped beating in the womb
= She had to carry his body until her daughter was ready to be delivered, eventually giving birth to one healthy baby and one stillborn.
One mom is sharing the whirlwind of emotions that comes with giving birth to twins - when only one of them is alive.
Halina Newberry Grant, from Los Angeles, was anxious to grow her family, so she was thrilled when she became pregnant with twins after undergoing IVF.
But the Los Angeles-based writer explained in an essay for Cosmopolitan.com that her joy soon turned to heartbreak when one of the babies inside her died - and she had to wait to deliver him along with her healthy baby months later.
Halina and her husband Les had been trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully for over four years when they turned to IVF. But while some couples need to go through several rounds to get pregnant, they were lucky, with two of the three embryos they'd implanted during the first round sticking. They were thrilled to have twins on the way.
Because Halina was older than 35 - and carrying not just one baby but two - her pregnancy was considered high-risk, which meant she had extra progress appointments and doctors were on the lookout for anything that could go wrong.
Halina didn't mind this so much, because it offered her opportunities to see her babies in ultrasounds and become attached. She studied their features, comparing each of them to her and her husband.
But then, something did go wrong. Everything had been going great up until their 20-week appointment, when the couple was looking forward to learning the babies' sexes. They even had names picked out.
"I thought about how that heartbeat chorus had become a sole. Would our girl miss the harmony ? "
However, from the moment the doctor came into the ultrasound room, they knew something wasn't right. Halina recalled that the OB-GYN didn't make quite enough eye contact with the expectant parents, and his tone wasn't as cheerful as they'd expect.
First, he told them that they had a boy and a girl, and Halina felt 'enormous joy'. He went on to talk about 'Baby A', the girl, noting that she had perfect vitals and measurements.
But when it was time to discuss 'Baby B', the boy, any enthusiasm in his voice was gone. The doctor explained that their son had a congenital heart defect, adding that he was pretty sure he also had 'extreme chromosomal abnormalities' - though he would do more tests to confirm.
Halina, naturally, was distraught. While she and her husband sat back in the waiting room awaiting more tests, she sobbed while he comforted her. Once they left, they had to call their families and break the terrible news - and then wait for the baby boy's heart to stop beating, which happened a week later.
'In the 21st week of my pregnancy, our boy's fragile heart fluttered to a stop and his delicate body ceased developing,' she said. 'I thought about how that heartbeat chorus had become a solo. Would our girl miss the harmony? Would she feel lonely? I wondered if she could hear my moans of agony.'
But Halina still had to carry both babies around until her daughter was ready to be delivered. That fact contributed to a 'dual reality' in her life, she explained - on the one hand, she had this joyful thing inside her, but on the other, she carried around a sad thing to be mourned.
{That's love: The Los Angeles-based mom was heartbreaking to lose her son in the womb, but knew she needed to put aside her grief to be strong for her daughter}
To make matters worse, her baby shower was scheduled for a week after that. She didn't feel right cancelling something that had been planned for so long, so she made up her mind to go. Then, she gave herself that week leading up to the shower to swallow and really feel the loss of that second child.
She cried, ignores calls, and stayed in bed - and then, when the week was up, she made the decision to focus on the healthy baby inside her.
'I was her mom, and she needed me. Moms have feelings, fears, trauma, and all the trappings of life, but they don't have the luxury of dwelling on them,' she said. 'My daughter needed to experience what bravery and courage felt like in her cells, and this was my first mother teaching moment.'
The shower was bittersweet, as those closest to her gave her gifts and expressed sympathy. She described the affair as feeling like a 'funeral at a wedding'.
When it was over, all she had left to do was wait to give birth. She didn't fear the birth itself, but she was worried that she might be so overcome with grief after delivering the son that could have been that she wouldn't be able to enjoy her daughter.
[Dedication: After mourning the lost child, she focused on her healthy baby - even while delivering both in the hospital]
Luckily, that didn't happen. In July of 2013, she went into labor, feeling pains at home for 16 hours before heading to the hospital.
It was 'fast and drug-free', she said, requiring only a few pushes after her water broke to deliver her daughter.
'The wonder of her scrawny, red, jiggling booty bouncing and rooting on my chest skin-to-skin eclipsed the tangled mass of afterbirth and placenta and the remains of her twin lying within my periphery, just a few feet away,' she recalled.
When Halina was asked if she wanted to see the remains of her son, she refused, instead concentrating on her 'miraculous' little girl. She sang to her daughter and enjoyed the moment, putting the mourning behind her.
Halina added that she still feels the loss of her daughter's twin, but it's dwarfed by the amount of love and happiness she has for what she actually has.
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